I didn’t plan to write what I am about to write, nor did I choose this title to talk about things unrelated to the famous TV show which I love, but here I am; forgive me, Larry, if you find this page.
I’ve lived long enough to say that everyone reaches a point in life where they gain a deep understanding of themselves, defining their strengths and weaknesses, their successes and failures, what they can tolerate, and what they must strip away. Being aware of your true nature, all the phases you’ve passed through, and the final mold you’ve reached makes you a hard target for anyone who crosses your path trying to use or manipulate you.
Sometimes life keeps bringing these people into your orbit just to make sure you know your own worth, peeling back your surroundings to reveal whether there is gold, rust, or nothing at all; testing your principles and asking clear questions: Will you allow this again? Is there still something you need to figure out? How do you prefer to learn, the easy way or the hard way? No one will ask you these questions. They will simply pop into your head alongside their answers. What you do with them is what frames your life.
I have spent my entire life refining my soul, my thoughts, my emotions, my words, and the way I view the world. It took a while until a trustworthy friend told me an uncomfortable truth: “Maybe they just can’t stand your shine,” she told me. “You make everything look easy when it isn’t, and that intimidates people.” She was right. And she added something I still carry: “They’ll either run or play games you won’t join, and run anyway. So stop caring. You don’t need them.”
I am learning to love myself in a way no one else ever has. I am learning to take care of myself in ways no one ever did. I am learning to protect my shine, to let it be seen by eyes that sparkle and celebrate me, rather than having it dimmed. I am learning to save my empathy and remind myself that not every shoe is meant to fit, and to stop minimizing my presence to make others comfortable.
Last Sunday, during my orthodontist appointment, I was startled by the new tools he was preparing for a temporary anchorage device. I asked him, “Are all these for me?” He smiled and replied, “Yes, all of these are for you. Do you think you deserve any less, Aeshah?” As he secured the screw into my upper jaw, feeling the deep ache resonate in my skull, I answered in my mind: “No, I don’t.” That question, “Do you think you deserve any less?” followed me home. Because deserving isn’t something that comes easily to me.
I have fallen a lot, far more than anyone could imagine. And every single time, I forced myself to rise again from my knees, from the floor, or from my own ashes. The last time, I felt the collapse coming before it happened. Yet it crushed me, but I promised myself I would never feel this again. If I rate how close I came to the edge this time, it’s maybe 10%, barely a warning sign. But I’m glad I caught it that early, before it became something worse.
My vivid nature usually forces me to flow even when I don’t want to; it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I don’t understand the concept of doing things halfway. I don’t give half smiles, offer weak handshakes, or pretend to carry a heavy load while leaving the weight on you. I used to exceed expectations and push beyond limits; no matter how hard the conditions were, people couldn’t imagine what I was capable of. But not anymore. I’ve learned an important lesson from nature: “Nature rebels sometimes to keep itself safe.”
For now, I am curbing my vivid nature for a while and focusing on watering my plants.
The second English article is done! Three to come soon.
Stay tuned!
اترك تعليقًا